a colored spectrum

360 degrees

life is such a tragic-comedy. i could only mock at how events turn out.

sometimes, after going through a whole lot of disappointments and heartaches,
we end up at where we started. albeit a year later due to some rude interruptions.

how would thing have turned out?
if... we compromised and forgave.
if... we earlier realized what's important.
if... we had earlier known the truth.

then we won't have walked one big round, hurting each other and having to restore a broken friendship a year late... that one year lost could have been made up with more beautiful memories.
but that's assuming that the ifs happened. but since it is an if, then it didn't and won't happen.
thus there's no point thinking about it. but be thankful for the return of people you once cherished.

similarly, there are people whom we're far off better without.
wish that we've never known them. wish that you weren't that naive.
these people... i wished i never met nor will ever meet.
they only deserve a violent death. this 'circle' is better left unstarted or uncompleted.
we don't wish for them to ever come back into our lives.
it is a curse.

there are people who left with us beautiful memories.
we wished that these circles would come back a full round. complete the 360 degrees.
we wished that you could return to where you both started out as.
but since it is a wish, it connotates that this thought is beyond reality.
be glad for the love and care they showered unselfishly on you once before.
be thankful for their current friendlship, that everyone moves on as friends.
cherish the memories, those from the past and create more memories in the future.

it amazing how things turn out.
someone i thought was unattainble, he was so high-above-me.
i could only secretly admire him.
but the winds of change blew us together. lovely it was.
blissful is the present. be jealous of me not.
give love and be kind-hearted. be friendly in your ways.
you'll be rewarded with much more.

pay it forward.

5.30 pm

been busy with my revision. about student political activism. constitutionalm changes.
multitude of various interests within bureaucratic politcians. military factions and rivalry...
democracy.

oh how interesting... wide yawn and drowsy eyed.

1.40am

i've been nasty to Joshua these few days. he calls when i'm studying and i do sound irritated.
it's my fault largely to be insenstitive to his emotional needs. guilty as charged.
i overlooked the fact that apart from me needing him, he needs me too.
this is a mutual relationship, not a unilateral relationship.

should he display indifferencet towards my moodswings and tantrums?
my sudden outburst of sarcastic snaps, hot passions and cold treatment?
they swing like a pendulum with inconsistency. i don't even grasp their advent.
i only know that when i'm stressed up, i get highly irritable.
should he not bother and get used to my moodswings?
or 'tame' me to be more emotionally stable? it is not fait to hurl unhappiness at him.
but to me... i am used to my moodswings. i jus not bother with them for awhile,
when they don't get attention and treating myself to self-entertainment... i'll be fine in a jiffy =)

what say you my friends?

he's getting cranky lately. if i ignore him and do my stuff for an afternoon... not call or sms him...
he starts to think that i'm not bothering about his feelings. such insecurity.
he gets jealous if i oogle at other hunky hunky studs on the mrt. classic case of possessiveness or slight inferior complexity? figure that out.

he is not strong cheerful and relaxed as he appears to be.
he has his own share of stress and problems. i should seek to understand and love him.
and not hiss and snarl at him. he needs love and comfort too. he is after all, a vulnerable dog.
he must have duped me into believing that he's all Mr. Charmingly Wonderful in May. hahaa!

had dinner with him tonite. don't know how to express this....
i don't know whether the problem lies in me or him.
i no longer feel excited or thrilled to see him.
there doesn't seem anything for me to look forward to.
dinner or going out with him is just another 'thing' i do everyday. no hype.
i think i am focusing too much on the nature and 'happening' factor of the activity,
instead on focusing on the person. that's a wrong attitude to start off with.

he was very sweet! he lent me his X-BOX to play with! whee! ultimate entertainment!

i'm happy to see him, happy to be with him, happy with everything.
but... there's no more sparks so to speak. no 'wow' factor. nothing to anticipate.
it's like... when you get attached for a long time, you see each other everyday.
you know each other so well.... that there's absolutely nothing refreshing to discover.
if there's only 2 words to decribe. MUNDANE and ORDINARY.
jus pick up remote control and google box together... yawn.

i even question myself if he's the one i want to settle down with for life!!!
gee... this is getting far too off-hand! who talks about marriage at age 20?!?!
i don't even know if he is the right one... give me another year to find out.
i'm not thinking so far ahead currently. a relationship... a relaxed one is fine. nothing intensely passionate or serious. i don't hear the chruch bells ringing. no urge to walk into bridal salon too.

yes, i do love Joshua. i am willing to be with him, like what i am doing now. parasitical!
but i'm contemplating whether i am willing to settle down into a deeply commited relationship...
i'm not a gallivanting horse. that's not me. i don't prance around and look for 'flings'.
but i detest having a noose around my neck either. i don't like to be leashed.
i want to do whatever makes me happy. jus to be a slacker!
not be too bothered about anything. i don't need to tell whole world i am attached either.

i see so little of my own friends. hardly play sports anymore. i haven't dived in ages!
i don't even shop now! what am i doing???
ok... michele is in NTU. jared is in NS. benson doens't really bother about me. blah blah blah.

hmmm.... i really don't know. am i getting sick and tired of Joshua?
is the novelty running out? or am i tired with the idea of a relationship per se?
i have no answers to the questions above.
i just feel blessed with whatever i have now. but i must admit, i've spread myself too thinly...

posted by Veen @ 02:25